I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
tourist season
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.