Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
how much for the angry fruit?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Florida man
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus