“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
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I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.