me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
The Friday File.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
mathematically impossible
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.