that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
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2023 was just a warmup
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
B
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.