My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer