I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*