We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
dutch is not a serious language
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.