A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
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Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots