If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Meow?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.