My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?