Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.