The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
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Big Sex has us all fooled
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first