Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
A small tragedy.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.