I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything