interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.