For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Monday
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I needed a laugh this morning.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?