Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
You Might Also Like
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Sending in my taxes
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me