I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before