Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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We avoided this particular disaster
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
True.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it