Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I am also baked goods
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
couldn’t resist