Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I saw this ending much differently.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Every time my phone rings
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Velcrow
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.