To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I have many caverns
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Blew my mind.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person