*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”