My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
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Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?