friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever