He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Worst Native American name ever.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?