[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
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You sure about that?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I wanna be friends with this person
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.