They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
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Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Nice try, NASA
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard