Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener