cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Passwords are more important than ever.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.