interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.