Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently