Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
this is literally a CIA plant
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?