I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
You Might Also Like
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
😂🤣😂🤣
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Sex so good you see dead people.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before