Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
You Might Also Like
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up