Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
smh
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.