I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
good for her
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
is this a warning or an offer?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up