I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.