Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me too
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.