I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
knights of the ikea table
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.