cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
time for some seasonal decor
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)