Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
it be like that
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
this is the best day of my life
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.