*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Ugh
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion