Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
LOL!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
when you order from DoorDastardly
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters