Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
#SuperBowl
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?