Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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Bond. Trauma bond.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
What the dentist sees
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Grandmother clock.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
honestly, i need both:
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!