I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
This line from Airplane.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)