My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably