Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
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[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
so much to do
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I falcon love using swear birds
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.